Chaddicus

www.chadzahara.com

2009-11-28T22:01:00.000-08:00

Oh, beloved Chaddicus.com, how I really do love you. However, I must tell you that our romance is over. I have met a new, more powerful website. She is all my own. She has no ties to Blogger or Google like you do. And she is very flexible. Sure, I only just met her, but it feels right.

If ever you need to find me, I will be at www.chadzahara.com.

Your friend forever,
Chad

Bourgeoisie Cat.

2009-11-25T14:23:00.000-08:00

Happy apples.

2009-11-24T21:51:00.000-08:00

Changes.

2009-11-18T18:09:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I posted a short poem that I wrote a while ago. I get a strange feeling when I read it, as if I have actually accomplished something that changed my life. See, I have done as the poem says. I have "set sail to the crystalline winds of discovery" and find it no longer a goal but a lifestyle. This gives me hope. Maybe we can truly change our lives.

Only the Rising Sun

2009-11-17T23:38:00.000-08:00

Like the tides my personality pulsed,
But no more upon the shore than on the boats in waiting,
Just a steady sway of this or that or what would one day be,
And now I wonder if I even have a past at all.
So I set sail to the crystalline winds of discovery,
No longer shall I consider the common current.
I imagine I will eventually find what I am looking for,
But there is no haste nor strategy,
Only the rising sun.

My first ever win in Monopoly!

2009-11-12T14:01:00.000-08:00

Last night I won my first ever game of Monopoly. In fact, I dominated the game. Within an hour and a half I had bankrupted the two other players (my sister and my dad). With all of my cash an assets counted, I won with approximately $14,000. I was lucky in some of the rolls I made, but I did play a very clever game. I am so proud of myself. ^_^

In pajamas.

2009-11-12T00:52:00.001-08:00

In pajamas., originally uploaded by Chaddicus.

I really do need a smoking jacket.

A dog AT-AT.

2009-11-11T19:07:00.001-08:00

If you are a Star Wars fan, you must see this adorable video of a dog dressed as an AT-AT from The Empire Strikes Back.

Link.

Peanut butter & banana sandwiches.

2009-11-10T14:23:00.000-08:00

This entry serves one purpose: to praise the peanut butter & banana sandwich.

Two lines undeserving of a title.

2009-11-07T23:59:00.000-08:00

Such a beautiful transaction,
Left only the receipt with fading ink.

My first name.

2009-11-05T08:42:00.000-08:00

Chad
English: modern spelling of Old English Ceadda, name of a 7th-century saint who was for a time archbishop of York. This is of uncertain derivation. The name is comparatively rare, even among Roman Catholics, by whom it is chiefly favoured.
A Dictionary of First Names, Oxford University Press, ISBN 0192800507

Update: the following is what I found on www.behindthename.com

CHAD

Gender: Masculine

Usage: English

Pronounced: CHAD [key]

From the Old English name Ceadda which is of unknown meaning, possibly based on Welsh cad "battle". This was the name of a 7th-century English saint. Borne primarily by Catholics, it was a rare name until the 1960s when it started to become more common amongst the general population. This is also the name of a country in Africa, though it originates from a different source.

Twelve million others.

2009-11-02T23:02:00.000-08:00

I am logged on to Skype incase one of my two contacts decides to join me. At the bottom of the window there is a count of how many people are currently using Skype; apparently 12,040,349 people. Let's say twelve million. Anyway, I don't like that it's there. It makes me feel so very alone.

Wise words on success and failure.

2009-11-01T14:51:00.000-08:00

"I've dwelled on my failures today because, as graduates of Harvard, your biggest liability is your need to succeed. Your need to always find yourself on the sweet side of the bell curve. Because success is a lot like a bright, white tuxedo. You feel terrific when you get it, but then you're desperately afraid of getting it dirty, of spoiling it in any way.

I left the cocoon of Harvard, I left the cocoon of Saturday Night Live, I left the cocoon of The Simpsons. And each time it was bruising and tumultuous. And yet, every failure was freeing, and today I'm as nostalgic for the bad as I am for the good.

So, that's what I wish for all of you: the bad as well as the good. Fall down, make a mess, break something occasionally. And remember that the story is never over."

- Conan O'Brien, from Commencement Speech to the Harvard Class of 2000

You may read the speech or watch it.

Happy Vegewe'en!

2009-10-31T14:22:00.000-07:00

Seeing as it is Hallowe'en, I thought this would be the perfect time to write about vegetables. Well, there really isn't much to say except that I am trying to eat more of them, or at least drink more via V8. This is also an excuse for me to post the following advertisement:

If only they still made them like this...

Oh, and here is a tribute to V8:

Mmmm, blooood!

The H1N1 vaccine.

2009-10-30T12:55:00.000-07:00

I just received the H1N1 vaccine. Here, in Canada, the vaccine is rather scarce. In fact, most doctors have no idea when they will be able to offer the vaccine. How did I get it? Luck. I went in to see my doctor about my migraine this morning and it just so happened he got the vaccine today. As I am anorexic, I am considered 'immune compromised.' If I were a normal person, I would have to wait longer. Anyway, I have been worried about H1N1, so now having the shot is a great comfort to me. He also gave me another shot of demerol and gravol for the migraine. Here's to hoping they both work.

Entombed.

2009-10-29T21:57:00.000-07:00

Fit young men,
Whom by death,
Leave this earth,
Entombed by flesh.

Recent unpleasantness.

2009-10-28T02:12:00.000-07:00

My composure is fracturing as I am dealt with so many migraines. Or is it just a pleasant façade that is fracturing; that I am naturally an asshole?

For oneself.

2009-10-25T18:35:00.000-07:00

The past few months have been ones of great change for me. This began in mid-August when I returned from a trip to Key West. I am not sure if it was the trip or the return home that did it, but something in me evolved. First, I infused discipline into my life. I did this by asking myself what is important. My body is important, so I started eating better. Knowledge is important, so I dove into the pile of waiting books at my bedside. Sanity is important, so I became more social; I even started a conversation with a young lady at the mall whom is now one of my best friends. In every way my life has improved.

However, I have recently been setback by migraines. I fell ill with a virus in early October, which caused me to miss some school. Up until then I had not missed a single day. The stress of falling behind in college, the first time I had ever done so in my post-secondary life, and the stress of the virus caused my migraines to return from their month long dormancy. As a result, for the past three weeks I have been almost constantly affected by migraines. In response, I have visited the doctor a few times lately. The first visit he prescribed me some anti-migraine medication, which I do not plan to take as it is primarily an anti-depressant; I have been on multiple anti-depressants in the past and stopped them early this summer and wish to stay off of them for a while longer to see how or if they truly benefit me (so far I can only think of negative effects on me).

The first visit to the doctor also revealed something quite amazing. As I mentioned earlier, a few months ago I vowed to eat better. As I am diagnosed with anorexia nervosa, this meant that I vowed to eat more. Well, the doctor decided to weigh me to see how I was doing. It turns out that I have gained between 10lbs and 15lbs (he reweighed me the second visit and this is the average). I like to think of that as earned weight. I chose not to weigh myself over the past months because I know all too well the fickleness of scales, so it had been a long time since I knew what I weighed (approximately 125lbs at June’s end). This may sound absurd to the average reader, but it has been very difficult for me to allow myself to eat more. It is as if talking oneself into no longer inhaling air; it is near impossible. Anyway, I am very proud of my weight gain. I do not plan to gain much more weight, if any, as I am now around the minimal weight for my height and I feel great at it.

The second visit to the doctor was when I finally got control of my migraine. He gave me a shot of demerol and gravol. This did not completely rid me of my migraine, but it did beat it down enough for me to fight it off over the next couple of days. Now I am migraine free and what a relief it is! Now I can get back to socializing again. I have so many people to write and hangout with (something virtually unheard of to the pre-summer Chad). And I have a lot of homework to catch up on. So, now you know why this journal may not see an entry for another week; I am about to be very busy.

I believe that the changes I made in August have allowed me to keep going, to keep fighting, to keep happy. This is real positive feedback. This is my anti-depressant.

New friends.

2009-10-22T00:00:00.001-07:00

I am meeting the coolest people in the strangest places.

The Greyest of Rain

2009-10-20T14:32:00.000-07:00

When wintertime beckons we follow,

Abandoning summertime’s heart,

Forgotten is fall’s sleepy hollow,

And springtime’s seams slip apart.

With cauterized minds we wander,

Away from what is called real,

So eager we are to ponder,

Yet petrified we are to feel.

What must be done is a fire,

We’ll stoke it beneath every vein,

Then warm blooded we’ll see desire,

In even the greyest of rain.

Studying made fun.

2009-10-19T18:41:00.000-07:00

I have been studying a lot lately. Seeing as it is mid-terms, studying is to be expected. Everyone knows that studying is rarely the most fun way to obtain information, but sometimes it can be entertaining. What I am talking about is the Linguistic Anthropology "Parts of Speech Primer" which my professor wrote. It contains multiple examples of parts of speech within sentences, and many of these sentences really make me smile. Here are a few examples:

"Verbs may be used with the auxiliary verbs have and beand the inflectional suffixes -ing, -ed, -en to form perfect and progressive tenses and passives (see tenses below),Have you ever seen such an ugly baby?"

"present perfect progressive (continuous in the past but now complete): Gladys has been poisoning pigeons in the park."

"past progressive (continuous in the past): Horst was making chlorine in his bedroom."

"Adverbs₁ may be found in the predicate modifying the verb (generally they answer the questions ‘how?’ or ‘when’ or ‘where’): I always₁ drink tea with vodka."

"Somebody ate the tulips. Nobody seemed disturbed."

"relative pronouns: who, whom, that, which, when, whereand why are all called relative pronouns when they begin a relative clause (a clause embedded in a noun phrase as a complex adjective); adding ever makes these indefinite: The man whom you fired just got a firearms license. I have a secret place where I keep those naughty pictures of you. Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t marry my brother."

Thoughts

2009-10-16T23:59:00.000-07:00

Am I forgotten?
A songbird without a voice,
I still think she’s cool.

~

Update - October 17 2009
I have improved this haiku:

Am I forgotten?
The songbird without a voice:
I still think she’s cool.

Fireside study.

2009-10-15T21:04:00.001-07:00

Fireside study., originally uploaded by Chaddicus.

I am taking a break from studying fireside to write this. Our basement is a wonderful place now. It had fallen into disuse after our old CRT projector broke last spring, and has since been used as a sorting grounds for all the junk that has been stockpiled in our house over the past eighteen years. I was able to convince Dad to buy a new projector a few weeks ago, and the basement has since been cleaned and rearranged. The projector sits on a unit about two thirds of the way back from the screen and behind that is where I am currently sitting. There is the unit and a table to my right, a stool for my feet in front of me, and the fireplace to my left. This is my new study area. For the past few nights I have come down here, lit a fire, put on the cable box's digital radio Chamber Music station, sat in this comfortable chair, and studied. I love it here.

Note: In the picture above, I have turned so that you can also see the fire.

Seeing Aphrodite

2009-10-11T19:52:00.000-07:00

A few days ago, I saw something magnificent: a beautiful young woman ordering food. She stood at the counter, back straight and head slightly elevated to read the menu high on the wall. Her hands were placed upon the counter, one on top of the other. She stood a few inches shorter than me and was fitfully lean. Her jeans were cut closely to her long legs, but not so close as to look tight. The sweater she wore fit her just as well as her jeans did. Then there was her adorable face. It was neither round nor angular, but perfectly defined. She squinted slightly as she read the menu, making an expression both cute and decisive, as if she were a military leader pondering her next move. This is what really grabbed me about her. Not only was she incredibly attractive, she also had that rare aura of greatness. I imagined my arms around her dainty waist, her marvellous eyes on me, our lips joined in a delicate kiss. I only viewed her for a moment before moving on. I knew that she would never be mine, but, like a cup of hot chocolate, it was a fine thrill.

Too Often the Case, part II; a malleable haiku.

2009-10-04T23:17:00.000-07:00

The morning sun tries - valiant!
Except I have thousand pound eyelids.

Too Often the Case

2009-10-04T01:38:00.000-07:00

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Inside my head,
Is nothing but goo.

Come to Our Senses

2009-10-01T18:28:00.000-07:00

A fireside whisper,
A blanket for words,
Between the wood crackling,
Our kisses are heard.

Your fingertips meet me,
Like passionate rain,
We sigh cheek to cheek,
As bodies we gain.

Now share your scent swiftly,
So by morning light,
Your fragrance permits me,
To savour this night.

And look past my eyelids,
To see how I melt,
Your vision is silent,
And softer than felt.

No! Softer than velvet,
And purer than wine,
But what does that matter,
As we elude time.

Violins

2009-09-29T00:52:00.000-07:00

Violins lift me,
Into golden clouds of song,
Oh, please leave me here.

Inspiration: link.

Muffin madness.

2009-09-22T20:05:00.000-07:00

I just ate a chocolate muffin. It tasted wonderful, so I had been smiling when I noticed myself in a mirror. My god, what happened to me? Bits of the divine domed cake were seeking refuge in the valleys of my teeth, making me look like a well-weathered pirate. My tongue was successful in relocating most of the chocolate to my belly. The rest required a cup or two of tea. The moral is: you should not eat chocolate muffins in public unless you have a tongue and tea.

Evenings

2009-09-20T22:55:00.000-07:00

Another of these lingering nights,

Light shallow and evading,

Over to eyelids relinquishing sights,

No siren's song invading.

Evenings never to come back.

MGN, again!

2009-09-20T01:34:00.000-07:00

Tonight I restarted MGN (Movie & Game Night). We had some fierce Super Smash Bros. and Mario Kart: Double Dash competition thanks to my new friend, Stephanie. Also thanks to her, we were treated to X-Men Origins: Wolverine, which was very fun and shiny. I plan MGN to happen every second week.

Butter

2009-09-17T23:42:00.000-07:00

Yours are the eyes of sunsets burning,
Of timeless tides of butter churning,
Of flesh and voice - magnetic yearning,
Each inch of them I'm ever learning.

Daydreaming on campus.

2009-09-17T12:19:00.000-07:00

I am daydreaming in a comfortable chair in Okanagan College's new Centre for Learning building. Normally I have no time between classes to relax, let alone write, but today is different. Today I had my first test in Linguistic Anthropology and I finished it early, way early, like in fifteen minutes. And it is worth 25% of my mark! Yet, I believe that I did quite well. See, I studied hard. Then last night, worried about the test, I cut wing night short and went home and studied some more. This morning I woke up early and studied further, even in the car on the way to class, even whilst walking to class. So, once I got to the test I felt very prepared; it's a good feeling. I know that I have worked hard and deserve a good mark. I have been an enthusiastic student all of my life, but my health problems since my early days at Kelowna Senior Secondary have affected me greatly. Now I am rather fit and ready to take on the world. I have yet to miss a single class, which is astounding for me, and I am showing no signs of eventual collapse. Hopefully I am past all of my health issues. Hopefully. Anyway, this chair is very comfortable and has a swiveling desktop, about the size of an airplane tray but much nicer (a sandy faux marble with shiny aluminum edging), and the sun is pouring in behind me. The shallow, almost silent black keys of my new MacBook Pro feel like little buttons of opportunity; I may write anything. Yet, as the revelation dawns, I find myself wanting to end this paragraph. This was a good moment. Now, on to the next.

Silly syllabus.

2009-09-16T02:05:00.000-07:00

I love my University Writing class. My professor, Jake Kennedy, is an entertaining character. Here is an example from the class's syllabus:

Final In-Class Exam 30%
This will be an in-class, open-book examination. The exam will exist of one
component: Essay. We will determine, together, the other details of the exam in class.
When you finish writing this examination you will place your pencil on the desk, stretch,
sigh, and then whisper: “good times, good times.”

Technological transcendence.

2009-09-12T22:43:00.000-07:00

I bought a new MacBook Pro. It is beautiful. I bought a real copy of Windows XP Home and installed it on its own partition to play games. I bought Left 4 Dead. It is gloriously gory. I bought The Orange Box to play Team Fortress 2. It is frantically fun.

Nine, nine, oh nine.

2009-09-09T17:51:00.000-07:00

I realize that my entry yesterday is a bit silly because I only wrote a quick haiku, but I was so proud of it so I had to say something.

Anyway, I am bored and nearly out of energy. I have been invited out for wings at 7pm, but I am unsure if I can stay awake until then. Lame...

Oh, and don't forget today's date: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iv0yhLx6Kds&fmt=18

Positive response.

2009-09-08T19:56:00.000-07:00

Today was the second period of my writing class. My professor, Jake Kennedy, is anything but conventional and it is quite refreshing. He prides himself on being the "finest second-rate poet" in the area. He also curses, which is amusing because his demeanor is always mellow. Today he gave us our first writing assignment, a response to "what [he] is about to do," and it could take any form we liked. In the quick moment given, I wrote a haiku:

My new professor,
Flips a chair without feeling,
Like a creek turns stones.

"Wow. You're the real deal," he responded. A few others read their chair toss writings aloud, but mine was the only poem. I was proud. I am proud. This makes me want to write and share what I write more often. Oh, how I love positive responses. And negative responses. Mostly positive responses, though...

Of Winter's Waking

2009-09-07T15:49:00.000-07:00

After a night of spotted sleep,
My hands are cold and shaking,
Just barely does the tea cup keep,
White fingers from the aching,
Of summer's gone and midnight's depth,
A darkness of the taking,
So swallow steam in every breath,
And forget of winter's waking.

Introduction to the college experience.

2009-09-03T17:18:00.000-07:00

This semester will be interesting. Three of my four professors are fascinating, while the fourth I suspect to be a fascist; actually, I doubt his demeanor lacks the intensity of a fascist, yet it does seem to contain the requisite narcissism. My courses are as follows:

Introduction to Linguistic Anthropology
University Writing
Survey of the Ancient World
Introduction to Logic and Critical Thinking I

Each course excites me, however I am beginning to long for a creative writing class.

A Glance

2009-09-02T23:51:00.000-07:00

Poised profile cut by sunlight,
Pristine against the coastline backdrop.

Excuses excuses...

2009-09-01T21:37:00.001-07:00

There has been a sight lull in my posting on here for a few reasons. First, I have been reading a very good book and it has stolen much of my intellectual energy. Second, I have been hanging out with friends daily, which is something I am far from accustomed to. Third, I just found out that my classes begin tomorrow and not next week like I had thought, so I have been rushing to prepare. I promise to post something of worth soon. I have worked on a few poems, but none worth sharing. I have also just begun a short story; I think it is going to be very good but may take some time to write and perfect.

Ticonderoga

2009-08-26T19:02:00.000-07:00

Tinder aroma rolls through the room,
As I trim my Ticonderoga.
Soon it will be sharp and willing;
So eager to please its boss.
For now the fragrance holds sway,
Enveloping me in nostalgia,
And the inevitable optimistic trance,
Of every quixotic young writer.

Apathetic Sounds

2009-08-22T22:09:00.000-07:00

She does not see me:
A parrot just repeating,
Apathetic sounds.

-

I was intrigued by this entry to write a haiku. This is my first true attempt.

Edit: I originally had "sounds" as "friend" but I think it works better this way.

Favourite Flowers

2009-08-21T14:33:00.001-07:00

Welcome to your destination,
Where is smells like favourite flowers.
How may I help you?

Selling homophobia.

2009-08-20T13:55:00.000-07:00

Humour is an enigma. What some find funny others find offensive. What some find healing others find destructive. While in Key West I was struck with an example of such a rift. Inside a brightly lit and plastic smelling t-shirt shop I saw a shirt I will never forget. In a parody of the Trix cereal slogan, the shirt read, "Silly faggot! Dix are for chix!" It has been years since I have felt what I did after reading that shirt: pure, drilled-to-the-bone-marrow rage. I bit my tongue, for what could I do? Yell at the clerk? Even if the potbellied, balding man owned the shop what good could my comment do? Someone ordered that shirt. Someone thought it was a good idea to hang it on the wall for sale. In hindsight, maybe I should have said something, but I don't think I would have been capable. I looked at the man with an expression best summed up as grim and left the shop disgusted.

Let me make it clear that I am straight. I love females. Their design is the epitome of nature. The curves of their bodies, their delicate features, their nurturing nature: I adore it. Now, not all females are that way, but you get my point. Having said that, I now want to make it clear that I have deep sympathy for homosexuals. I know that there are some men that feel for other men the same way I feel for women and some women who feel the same way for other women. I do not care what course a person's love flows, as long as it is of legal age and human, because love is one of the beauties of life. For anyone to dictate another's love is to be a tyrant.

Our mosaic of minds is both necessary and unfortunate. After all, it is human nature to be different, but it is also human nature to be civilized.

Of notebooks.

2009-08-19T14:19:00.000-07:00

I have a notebook now. It's not like my old notebooks/journals, it's a pocket notebook; portable and secretive. I bought it at the mall yesterday and then decided to wander for a while looking at shops and at people. By the time I left the mall I had filled six pages with notes and thoughts. I like this notebook already.

Copyright

2009-08-18T08:13:00.000-07:00

As a creator of intellectual property I have always feared sharing my work online, but that fear is no longer. I have found MyFreeCopyright.com which provides a unique date stamping service to guarantee a person's creations can not be stolen. More information can be found here: http://myfreecopyright.com/frequently_asked_questions

I recommend taking advantage of this service to anyone who wishes to share their work online and not have it stolen.

Me in the Keys.

2009-08-17T19:40:00.001-07:00

Me in the Keys., originally uploaded by Chaddicus.

I have uploaded all of my photographs from my recent trip to Key West. You can view the whole set here: Key West Trip 2009

Catacombs

2009-08-17T10:33:00.000-07:00

Lost inside the catacombs of Paris,
Clutching to the nameless bones - an heiress,
Of haute couture,
Of whispering,
Of will,
If nothing moves she'll never have her fill.

Twitter

2009-08-14T18:29:00.001-07:00

Twitter is a waste of many a good thesis.

Begin with a quote...

2009-08-13T19:53:00.000-07:00

“If one has not given everything, one has given nothing.”

- Georges Guynemer