For oneself.

The past few months have been ones of great change for me.  This began in mid-August when I returned from a trip to Key West.  I am not sure if it was the trip or the return home that did it, but something in me evolved.  First, I infused discipline into my life.  I did this by asking myself what is important.  My body is important, so I started eating better.  Knowledge is important, so I dove into the pile of waiting books at my bedside.  Sanity is important, so I became more social; I even started a conversation with a young lady at the mall whom is now one of my best friends.  In every way my life has improved.

However, I have recently been setback by migraines.  I fell ill with a virus in early October, which caused me to miss some school.  Up until then I had not missed a single day.  The stress of falling behind in college, the first time I had ever done so in my post-secondary life, and the stress of the virus caused my migraines to return from their month long dormancy.  As a result, for the past three weeks I have been almost constantly affected by migraines.  In response, I have visited the doctor a few times lately.  The first visit he prescribed me some anti-migraine medication, which I do not plan to take as it is primarily an anti-depressant; I have been on multiple anti-depressants in the past and stopped them early this summer and wish to stay off of them for a while longer to see how or if they truly benefit me (so far I can only think of negative effects on me).

The first visit to the doctor also revealed something quite amazing.  As I mentioned earlier, a few months ago I vowed to eat better.  As I am diagnosed with anorexia nervosa, this meant that I vowed to eat more.  Well, the doctor decided to weigh me to see how I was doing.  It turns out that I have gained between 10lbs and 15lbs (he reweighed me the second visit and this is the average).  I like to think of that as earned weight.  I chose not to weigh myself over the past months because I know all too well the fickleness of scales, so it had been a long time since I knew what I weighed (approximately 125lbs at June’s end).  This may sound absurd to the average reader, but it has been very difficult for me to allow myself to eat more.  It is as if talking oneself into no longer inhaling air; it is near impossible.  Anyway, I am very proud of my weight gain.  I do not plan to gain much more weight, if any, as I am now around the minimal weight for my height and I feel great at it.

The second visit to the doctor was when I finally got control of my migraine.  He gave me a shot of demerol and gravol.  This did not completely rid me of my migraine, but it did beat it down enough for me to fight it off over the next couple of days.  Now I am migraine free and what a relief it is!  Now I can get back to socializing again.  I have so many people to write and hangout with (something virtually unheard of to the pre-summer Chad).  And I have a lot of homework to catch up on.  So, now you know why this journal may not see an entry for another week; I am about to be very busy.

I believe that the changes I made in August have allowed me to keep going, to keep fighting, to keep happy.  This is real positive feedback.  This is my anti-depressant.